Table of
Contents
Ladies and gentlemen. May I
have your attention please? Due to circumstances
beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be
operating for the rest of the evening...Thank
you.
Those of you adventurers
entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please
notice there are two lines, one on the right and
the other on the left. If you'd like to keep
your family together, please stay in the same
line. However, if there is someone in your
family you'd like to get rid of, just put them
in the opposite line and you'll never see them
again.
Ladies and gentlemen, your
attention, please. Would the party that lost the
roll of 50 $20.00/$100.00 bills, wrapped
in a red rubber band, please report to the
turnstile...we have good news for you. We have
found your rubber band.
To speed things up, we ask
that you tell the loaders--the men who will be
helping you into the boats--how many there are
in your party. For instance, if there are four
people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling
Boat Loader, there are four people in my
party..." and he will save you four seats.
If there are eight people in your party, say
"Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are
eight people in my party..." and he will
save you four seats.
Those of you who have just
entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned
to the fact that, being at the end of the line,
you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please
here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on
the count of three, I want everyone to turn
around. One...Two...Three. There--those at the
back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't
that make you feel better?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Those of you
who are waiting in line are probably resigned to
the fact that there is a long wait. Well, we
here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. So, if
you'd like to see the line move faster, please
raise your hand. Once again, please raise your
hand if you'd like to see the line move faster.
(crowd raises hands) Okay, those of you who have
your hands raised, please take one step to the
right and let the people behind you through. Now
you'll definitely see the line move
faster.
There are 87 varieties of
poisonous snakes on the North American
continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of
the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in
the wooden rafters directly over your heads.
Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving
target, so please try to keep the line moving.
If the line won't move, simply run in place.
Today only, ladies and
gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board
the world-famous Jungle Cruise without
waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in
full dress uniforms, accompanied by their
parents and their horse. Everyone else will have
to wait in line.
Some of our scouts here at the
world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they've spotted
tigers in the waiting area the last couple of
days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all,
tigers are striped, not spotted.
We have some pretty smart
animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for
example. You ask them to name one of their
relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're
pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter
of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S.
Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you
can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they
might be a lyin' (lion). But I think
rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in
the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four
minus four is, and he said nothing.
It's a four hour wait from
there. Have you been upstairs yet?
Adventurers and adventurettes,
horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board
the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to
play with your horse, you'll have to do it
elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey
around in line just as long as you don't go
bananas.
Ladies and Gentleman, welcome
to the World Famous Jungle Cruise Please do not
take pictures while you are in the queue. Once
again please do not take pictures while
you are in the queue; They are nailed to the
walls for a reason.
Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like
to remind you that cutting in line will not be
tolerated here at the World Famous Jungle
Cruise. That's right...there is to be no
cutting in line. Anyone caught with scissors
will be ejected from the queue.
Ladies and gentleman, to
entertain you while in line for the World Famous
Jungle Cruise let's play "Name That
Attraction":
-
Name that attraction.
[CM imitates the Fantasmic music]
If you answered "Fantasmic," you
are right. Ping!
-
Name that attraction.
[CM sings "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's
life for me"]
If you answered "Pirates of the
Caribbean," you are right. Ping!
-
Name that attraction.
[CM makes whooshing and roaring sounds
into the mic]
If you answered "The Matterhorn,"
you are right. Ping!
-
Name that attraction.
[CM makes the neighing sound of goat]
If you answered "Big Thunder
Mountain," you are right. Ping!
-
Name that attraction.
[CM goes "Clop clop clop clop"]
If you answered "Main Street Horse
Drawn Carriage," you are right. Ping!
-
Name that attraction.
[CM goes
"Tick....Tock....Tick....Tock"]
If you answered 'it's a small world', you
are right. Ping!
-
Name that attraction.
[CM pauses and then whines "Can we
go now?"]
If you answered "Light Magic," you
are right. Ping!
What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well,
that's not really what you get, but you must
understand, this is a family attraction.
Why did the elephant ride on
the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don't know, but I
wish someone would find out--he's sunk five of
our boats in the last week alone.
Why did the ape get a job? He
was tired of monkeying around. Why did the
elephant quit his job? He was tired of working
for peanuts.
Knock, Knock...Who's
there?...Toucan....Toucan Who?...Toucan not fit
through the turnstiles at the same time.
Knock, Knock...Who's
there?...Safari....Safari Who?...Safari, so
good. You'll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a
few minutes.
If you have any questions or
comment, email Joeymommy@aol.com. (Had to add
that one for kicks)
That cushion in that back of
the boat is actually a whoopee cushion. Don't
believe me, go ahead sit down. [People sit,
Skipper makes farting sound over PA.] How
embarrassing and in front of people you don't
even know.
[To the boat loader] So
how does that new vacuum of your work? [Boat
loader:] It sucks!
Watch your step as you enter
the boat. If you're entering from the back, come
up to the front. If you're in the front, just
follow the simple instructions of your simple
minded loader.
[Female skipper] Get on
board folks...though I'm worst nightmare. A
woman with a loaded gun.
Please listen to the boat
loaders. They used to work in a sardine factory
until they got canned. They didn't mind too much
though; They worked for scale.
Come all the way to the
front--up by me. There's no truth to the rumor
that you get a longer ride in back.
Slide all the way forward
now...That's the only way we have of keeping the
cushions clean!
Come on in, folks...Slide on
down! That's right slide on down, because the
more you slide now, the less I have to clean
later.
Some of you might want to come
up and sit on our sacrificial altar [pointing
to the center cushion]. We like to balance
out the boat so when we sink, we go down evenly.
Please move in together as
close as possible and try to cover up all of the
brown seat cushions. There have been extensive
scientific studies that have proven that the
color brown attracts deadly flying piranhas. [Using
color of boat for brown.]
Please remember that the
tighter you get, the better the heating system
on the boat works.
[As people load in the back]
There's no dancing in the back there, folks...no
dancing... you will have to be seated. Dancing
is only allowed on the promenade deck.
If you could just sit in the
doorway there--it keeps the wild animals out and
the chickens and turkeys in.
I get paid for the number of
people I take out...not the number I bring back!
Don't worry if it's crowded
now...there'll be lots of room on the way back.
How many of you are on the
Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.
Let's get one thing
straight...if we start to sink, the captain will
be going down with the boat. I'd like you to
meet your new captain [looking at nearby
guest]...What did you say your name was?
Those of you sitting in the
back are going to get a charge out of this trip.
Yeah--you're sitting on the battery. Some people
find that revolting, but I think that there is a
positive and negative side to everything.
Shocking, isn't it.
Come on to the front
kids...You know I love kids...a little BBQ
sauce, mustard, and catsup always helps though.
Look! Little kids! I love
kids! A little mustard, a little barbecue
sauce...[chuckles at parents] Oh I'm just
kidding, I don't like mustard all that much.
Welcome to, the mystery boat,
the mystery boat, the mystery boat. Welcome to,
the mystery boat. It's a mystery it's, still
afloat. [followed by a little song which I
can't recall]. I am Maynard, your captain,
guide, etc, for your journey. Just remember, the
month of May followed by a nerd. I will need a
volunteer to help me steer the boat, someone
between the ages of 4 and 7. Ahh, thank you.
[Maynard]
Were out of here, like a bad
LA football team.
Welcome aboard the Leaky Tiki.
Adventure lovers, my name is name and
I'll be your captain--unless we run into
trouble--in which case your new captain will be
taking over. [looking at nearby guest]...What
did you say your name was?
Hello, everyone. I'd like to
welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle
Cruise. My name is name and I'll be your
skipper for as far as we get.
Hello and welcome to the world
famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and
I'll be your skipper, guide, captain, cruise
director and dance instructor for the next five
exciting days and six romantic nights.
Where are you from sir/madam?
[Guest answers] Sorry? [Guest repeats]
Oh--I heard you the first time, I was just
sorry.
Everybody turn around and wave
at the people on the dock...wave at them...
'cause you're never going to see them
again!...then again, you've probably never seen
them before either.
Now, let's everyone turn
around and wave good-bye to those people on the
dock we've left behind. [In low voice]
Come on folks...pretend like you're having a
good time.
OK...before we go much
further, everyone raise your right hand and
repeat after me. "I hope....we do
return". Good! Better turn and take one
last look at the dock--you may never see it
again!
You know they saw you can
always judge the quality of a ride by itıs
line, well how long did you folks wait? My point
exactly. [Good at night with short lines]
Your cadaverous pallor betrays
an aura of foreboding, almost as though you
sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat
actually leaving the dock? Or is it your
imagination? And consider this dismaying
observation: this boat is completely surrounded
with water, and I'm you skipper. Which offers
you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!
Of course you could always swim away!!!
And for your serious bird
watchers, over there is a hornbill. Looks like
he's really gone out on a limb this time. If
he's not careful, he's going to wind up a snack
for those crocodiles.
And for all you serious bird
watchers, over there is a serious hornbill, in
serious trouble. If he's not careful, he's going
to wind up a tasty lunch for those crocodiles!
Seriously.
Over there is a rare species
of hornbill...about to become a little more
rare.
On the other side is my
favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of the
laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest
that you keep your hands inside the boat because
Smiley is always looking for a hand out.
And on the other side is Old
Smiley. Did you know that crocodiles have
remained basically unchanged for the last 20
million years? It's true! And that's just about
how long Smiley's been on this river. He doesn't
get around much anymore. Usually, he just sort
of sits around, waiting for our boats and
looking for a hand out.
[Turning to a guest]
Would you mind sticking your hand out as a
demonstration?
As we leave the last outpost
of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth
of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical
rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a
year.
We're now leaving the last
outpost of civilization and entering the jungle
by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.
Feel that mist on your
faces...Don't worry that's only the monkeys in
the trees.
Feel that mist on your
faces...Don't worry that's only poisonous
bacteria that will eat you all alive.
Do feel that wetness in the
air around here? Well that's the only evidence
we have that are still some monkeys in the trees
of the Jungle Cruise.
Here in the rain forest it
sometimes rains 365 days per year...some years
it even rains every day.
As you can see, countless
varieties of plant life grow in abundance here.
In fact, we've counted more than 100 varieties
of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these
tropical plants get their nourishment simply
from the air.
Now please watch out for these
carnivorous vines [pointing]. Last week,
one of them reached into the back of the boat
and pulled a woman right out. It was awful! And
just before she disappeared, she was feeling
just vine...[Pointing] In fact she was
sitting right where that lady/man/girl/boy
in color is sitting!
Look here we have a bunch a
very strange jungle species, ya see that one
there [pointing to a male] the one with
the wider hips--that's the female of the
species.
Look here we have a bunch of
Asian albino hairless apes. Ya watch [waves
to people, they wave back] monkey see,
monkey do.
Over there is what we call the
Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of the
Four Hour/Forever Line.
Over there is the Temple of
the Forbidden Eye. You can see all of the
archeologists in line, cleverly disguised as
tourists.
Over there is the world's most
popular bathroom. You can tell how popular it is
by all of the people in line for it. Let's ask
these folks coming out what they thought of
it...How was it?
[When people are along the
shore]
Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?
Over there we have hungry
natives foraging for food. This is because
they've been turned away from Indiana Jones and
the Temple of the Forbidden Baloney Sandwich.
[Maynard]
These are the ruins of an
ancient shrine, almost totally destroyed
centuries ago by an earthquake. Many explorers
have tried to steal that priceless ruby, but no
one's ever gotten past that poisonous spider.
How many of you think that's a
big spider? [show of hands] How many of
you think he's bigger than the one crawling up
that man's/woman's leg [quickly
pointing to guest]?
[Turns off lights, kills
motor] Oh no, not again!
[Unapproved joke] [Pointing
to pillars] This was the Walt Disney
Company's first attempt at a monorail system.
Sunken City
Through this archway, we enter
the remains of the sunken city, now almost
totally reclaimed by the jungle.
Has anyone seen my kitty cat?
Here kitty, kitty...oh! There he is!
[In low voice] That's
no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can jump
over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well...19
feet away!
A Bengal Tiger can leap twenty
feet! Fortunately we're ten feet away and he
would go over us and land in the bushes on the
other side.
The Bengal Tiger can jump over
ten thousand feet...once.
Look at that! It's a large
Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to
leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch
their prey. That is...when you throw them out of
an airplane.
That Bengal Tiger over there
weighs about 500 pounds. He's looking right at
you sir/ma'am--better keep smiling.
That Bengal Tiger can jump up
to 35,000 feet...out of a plane that is.
See those crocodiles over
there. We have trained them to stay perfectly
still so you can take better pictures.
And here we have some killer
crocodiles. Don't worry though, they've been bolted/super
glued to the rocks for their/your
protection.
Do you know what the
difference between the crocodiles and alligators
are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the
alligators are made with fiberglass.
You know, the crocs are always
looking for a hand out. Ya, but be careful, I
once had an English teacher on board and she
didn't listen to me and now she's teaching
shorthand.
And look, over here we have
some terrifying killer ducks. You can tell how
much they've frightened that crocodile below
them because he's scared stiff.
The crocodile is a
terrifyingly ferocious animal, and also provides
a comfortable place to sleep.
[In low voice] Don't
make any sudden moves! Those king cobras are the
world's largest poisonous snakes... and they go
out for a bite every few minutes!
Up on the steps...three king
cobras. Hmm...there use to be four of them--I
wonder where the other one is? [Look around
boat interior]
And here we have three cobras
sticking their tongues out at us with no regards
for our feelings.
[Maynard]
On our left is Ganesha, the
elephant god, who guards the entrance of the
sacred bathing pool of the elephants.
On our left, Ganesha, the
elephant god, holding his nose and on our right,
Wiki Wiki, his brass monkey side kick.
Look here it's the republican
national convention. You can take pictures
because they all have their trunks on. And if
you look over there under the waterfall, it's
Bob Dole. Oh by the way, if you want to see the
Democrats, they're back at the Hunchback of
Notre Dame Festival of Fools.
And it looks like a whole herd
has come down to bathe! Don't scare them
now...of course, the big shot gets the private
shower...but I kind of like the little squirts
myself.
And look at all the elephants
out here today! This comes as a complete
surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys
were going to be here. If you want to take
pictures go ahead--all the elephants have their
trunks on.
And just ahead, you'll notice
an alligator playing with an elephant. That's
not a sight you'll see every day! [lower
voice] But I will...over...and over...and
over...
See that elephant right there,
that's the richest elephant in the whole jungle.
Yeah--it's "Donald Trunk".
As we leave the elephant pool,
we head into...uh-oh--a big one is coming up on
the right and it looks like he's aiming for us!
[Elephant squirts over bow and goes down
again, then comes up] Oh no! He's coming up
again--you folks on the right get down! [Elephant
doesn't squirt] Well...I guess he didn't
have time to reload. [or] Well I guess he
didn't have enough trunk space.
OK, we're leaving the
elephants now and pressing further into
the...Wait a second, it looks like one of the
larger elephants did not want to be disturbed.
He's coming up again...you folks in the back get
down! [After elephant does not squirt]
You in the middle/back--that was very
clever hiding behind the little child.
Oh no! What's this? I'll hurry
up and go through. It looks like were not going
to make it. Those in the back may want to duck.
[after passing] You guys didn't move; you
must have been frozen with fear.
You know, a lot of safaris
camp around this area. Hmm....that could be one
up ahead. [Points] Uh-oh...this one has
some uninvited house guests! They do have a
unique way of washing the dishes. [Points to
water] Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job
parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around
comes naturally to 'em.
Nothing to be concerned about.
Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I
wouldn't get too close, though. They may look
like a nice bunch, but let me tell you--those
guys are really animals.
Now please, if you're wearing
yellow, don't make any noises like a banana...it
drives them ape!
Ah, that explains things! It
looks like that safari has some uninvited house
guests! [pause] [Yelling to gorillas]
Hey! Where'd you guys learns to parallel park
anyway? [Back to guests] Ah, they're not
listening. I guess they're too busy monkeying
around.
And now we come upon a jungle
encampment. It's being overrun by a bunch of
women wearing fur coats. [Pause] Hey!
Those are gorillas! [pause] dressed up as
women wearing fur coats.
[Maynard]
Folks, this is what happens
when you leave your kids at home alone.
Earlier these guys were having
a tough time starting that jeep, but I can see
that they've finally gotten it to turn over.
And one of them is trying to
have a mind blowing experience...If he's not too
careful, he'll have a real splitting headache.
Since we are in an area filled
with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a
moment to point out some of the plants to you.
There's one, there's one... [Point left,
point rear left, point right, etc]
I'd like to point out some of
the plant life here on the Jungle Cruise.
There's a hibiscus, a low-biscus, and that
little one barking is a doggie biscus. Say,
there's the Anheiser Bush, it looks ready to
bud.
Anybody know the names of
those? Anybody? Oh well.
See that bamboo over there? It
grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it
can grow to 7 stories but that's a whole other
story.
Now there's a croc with a
snappy personality! Ha--he's going to get
himself a knuckle sandwich if he's not careful.
Well, will you look at
that--some of the camp's food made it
downstream. But I don't think it's going to
waste.
Look there! That's something
you don't see every day, but I do.. every day,
every 15 minutes.
Over there is Schweitzer
Falls, named after the famous Dr. Albert [pause]
Falls.
Lean in the middle, lean in
the middle, if you lean in the middle, we'll all
sink evenly!
Say what you will about women
drivers, but --heh --I've never been good at
making this turn. HANG ON!!!
[Rebecca then literally throws herself
out of the boat, grabbing onto a pole and using
the momentum to "pull" the boat around
the corner.]
[Not necessarily approved]
Don't worry about the waterfall; it won't get
you wet. The water in the falls, like everything
else at Disneyland, is completely synthetic.
To the left is the beautiful
Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to
your right....and then back to your left, you
can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.
We've turned on to the Nile
river of Africa, the longest river in the world,
winding across more than 4000 miles.
We've now turned down the Nile
river--the longest river in all of Anaheim.
That's right a whole 200 feet.
[after intro] and if
you don't believe that, you must be in denial.
Up on the Elephants bank, we
have African bull elephants. Those enormous ears
and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian
elephants we saw earlier.
On the left we have an African
Bull Elephant. And for those of you with short
term memory problems, on the right we have an
African Bull Elephant.
On the left bank there-it's a
huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead
and enormous ears mark the African bull, the
second most feared animal in the jungle. On the
other, THE most feared animal in the jungle--his
wife/mother-in-law.
On the right bank, we have
Bertha. She's a great elephant, as she obeys
commands:
"Speak!" [elephant
makes a little trumpet]
"You can do louder than that!" [elephant
makes a load trumpet]
"Ok, we'd like to some pictures, so stand
perfectly still." [elephant stands
perfectly still]
Let's give her a round of
applause.
[Jacob]
[At night] Look there,
that's Skippy/Speedy/Dumbo, the fastest elephant
in the jungle watch [lights first elephant
then flashes it to the elephant on the right]
Pretty amazing huh?
Sniffs as we approach the
African veldt] Hmm, something smells stinky?
[Turns to kid steering the boat] Is it
you? Do you use deodorant? You don't? Oh [sniffs
again] Wait a minute, it's not you. In fact
you smell pretty good. Like Channel number 5.
Ahh, there's the culprit. Hey you baboon, put
your arms down.
[Maynard]
Ok everyone, here are the
Monkeys, wave to the Monkeys... [silence]
Ah, well, you see, they would wave back, but
their hands are glued to the rocks.
Look at that family of
baboons; There's Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon,
Daniel Baboon, and the hair stylist Vidal
Baboon.
And over here we have the
Baboon family. There's Pat Baboon, Debbie
Baboon, their hairdresser Vidal Baboon, and, uh,
oops, that's not a baboon, that's my
ex-girlfriend. Yes, I left her for my new
girlfriend who can leap over 20 feet and weighs
over 500 pounds.
How do you tell the difference
between the male and female Zebras. The males
have black and white stripes and the females
have white and black stripes.
And over here we have some
referees.
[Pointing] By the look
of those baboons up there, something's up on the
great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that
pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up
crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for
their share. This region points out the basic
law of the jungle--"don't be a zebra."
Oh, it looks like the entire
baboon family has come down to the water's edge
today, along with the other residents of the
African veldt. See the striped animals over
there? Those are zebras. And the big tall ones
with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the
black ones over here with horns--well, I've
never seen them before. They must be gnu!
We're about to enter the
Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an
endless variety of wildlife--baboons,
wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles, gnus, g-lions,
g-zebras. [hard g-sounds]
Here's a little advice. Never
play poker in the jungle, because there are lots
of cheetahs around. If they say they're not a
cheetah, then they're probably just a lion.
[At the African Veldt]
"Ohhh, don't worry kids. See, those lions
are only protecting that sleeping Zebra. Look!
It's Simba and Nala from The Lion King! [Singing]
Can You Feel The Love Tonight"
[Rebecca]
Hey I know that guy on the
bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like
that rhino is going to get a hole in Juan.
There's that lost safari we've
been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some
kind of native uprising.
Well, bottoms up, fellows, I'm
sure you'll get the point...in the end!
Uh-oh...look! That safari's in
a tight spot there. But that rhino seems more
than willing to give them a lift.
That rhino seems to be getting
his point across, and I'm sure that guy on the
bottom will get it in the end!
Of course, it could be worse
for those guys...they could be the Zebra.
Well--you know what they
say...safari, so good. So I guess we'll be
moving on.
We are now turning onto a pool
of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and
don't rock the boat. These huge creatures are
quite curious and could easily upset our boat.
So please, don't do anything that might attract
them!
Last week, they overturned six
of our boats...only FIVE of them were MINE,
though!.
Don't worry, the natives tell
me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle
their ears and blow bubbles....
How many of you are willing to
go on? [show of hands] How many of you
want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic
about the situations?
Uh-oh...it looks like one of theme's
going to try to charge our boat! [shoots]
Looks like we've scared them off. I bet he'll
have a headache tomorrow!
Uh-oh, I guess it looks like
one of them is going to try to tip us over. I'd
better scare 'em away. [shoots] Well, it
looks like that did the trick. You could tell
that they were scared by all of the blank looks
on their faces.
If we're all real quiet, you
can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for
their mothers. [Low voice] Shhh--be real
quite now...listen ....[leaning out of boat,
yells] "Hey mom!"
Look! Rare, beautiful,
majestic hippos! Endangered species, less than
300 left in the wild. I think I'll shoot me a
couple. [bang, bang]
We just took our hippos to see
Dumbo, and if they weren't chained to the bottom
of the river they'd all fly away. [think
about the wiggling ears on the hippos]
You've all probably heard that
the hippos are only dangerous when wiggling
their ears and blowing bubbles...but that's not
what really makes them dangerous. See it's
actually the ritual they have of placing their
young in the trees to forge on leaves until the
grow to 6,000 pounds, then they cannon ball
toward the boats, sinking them all 2 and 1/2
feet down to the bottom of the jungle floor. Oh
look there's one now [skipper shoots toward
the trees]
"Bang! Bang!" [Hippo
retreats] "Boy are they dumb."
"Bang! Bang!" [Hippo
retreats] "Whew! That was close!"
[click click click--hippo
retreats] "that clicking noise really
scares them."
Disney has gone bankrupt, and
we can't afford bullets anymore.
[After firing the gun at
the hippo pool] You might be wondering why I
was shooting into the trees, but if you look
very carefully, you can see a hippo playing
hide-and-seek in trees. He's hiding behind some
banana leaves. Those hippos often jump out of
the trees and sink passing boats. Here you can
see what happened to the people on the last boat
which sank. [points to the canoe with the
stacked skulls] As you can tell, they all
had a good time, since they still have smiles on
their faces.
[Maynard]
Uh oh, we're now entering into
headhunter territory. Not a good place to be
headed.
We're entering headhunter
country now...be very quiet. In that canoe over
there...the remains of my last crew. They had a
good time, even to the end--they're still
smiling.
Shhh...we're entering
headhunter country now...don't make a sound. In
that canoe over there are some of the native's
arts and crafts. Art's the one on the top!
We're not out of danger
yet--this is headhunter territory. Remove your
jewelry please. The natives have been
complaining of indigestion.
The natives seem to be
celebrating the kill of that lion...maybe we can
sneak by. Don't attract their attention.
I studied their language in
college. Lets see if I can pick up a little: Put
your right foot in, shake it all about, Put your
right foot out, shake it all about.
Hey look! It's the Village
People! Let's see what they're saying... Y-M-C-A
This group is trying to come
up with a name for themselves for their upcoming
CD, they have two choices, either the Village
People or Fine Young Cannibals.
[As the Tribal Villagers
are celebrating their kill of the lion] I
think that lion is dead. Do you know how I can
tell? Lions don't normally stand upside down.
[Rebecca]
[At the village] Allow
me to translate what they are saying. "You
put your right foot in, you put your right foot
out [starts singing] You do the Hokey
Pokey and you" [natives start to attack]
Uh oh! Music critics! They can get pretty
viscous. Here! [puts hat on the kid steering
the boat] Act like you're singing [starts
singing and waving hat] "La la la la
la!"
[Maynard]
Keep your eyes on these bushes
on the right there. [Turns around quickly]
They're on the LEFT this time.
Uh-oh, it looks like a native
war party on the left. You folks, please get
down on the floor. [Makes whooshing sound
into mike] Ah, those are spears by the way.
Women and children--stand up!
All the men--get down!
Uh oh, it looks like these
natives are going to attack us. Kids,
Women...you better lie down. Men..Stand
up!"
[Rebecca, other female skippers have
used this too]
Oh no! The natives are
throwing spears! Women and children, stand up!
Men, get on the bottom of the boat! Get down in
the boat, get down in the boat, come on you're
making me look stupid up here!
If they hit you with a spear,
just pull it out and throw it back at
them-you're not allowed to keep souvenirs. We
certainly don't want you to be stuck with it for
the rest of the trip.
On the left, a friendly group
of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka...Ubonga
Swahili Ungawa...Wagga Kuna Nui Ka...It's a good
thing I speak their language. [Turns to guest]
They want to trade their coconuts for your wife/child/husband...I
think we should hold out for at least four.
Okay ladies and gentlemen the
native usually attack from the right hand side
of the boat. [Natives attack] Wait one
minute here!!! What are you guys doing on the
left side of the boat??? You know I told you to
attack from the right and another thing what are
you doing just standing looking stupid with
those spears in your hand your supposed to throw
them! Get back down and try that one again! [Timing
is right so the natives go back down on skippers
command]
Hey guys, I said throw
the spears! Next time you better do it, OK? Now
get down in the bushes and hide again... I'll be
back later! [Attackers crouch down]
Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is
upon us again. The overhanging rock formation
will afford us a different view this time. I
have a special treat for you, folks. You may
never have seen this before...there it is--the
backside of water!
Now kids, don't try to see
this at home, as you'll hit the back of your
head on the fawcet.
Now hold onto your seat
cushions because we're about to do something
really special--no extra charge. Are you ready?
We're now going UNDER water!
And now,
the reason you came;
the most spectacular site you'll see all day.
ladies and gentlemen,
a true wonder of the world!
a splendiferous sight of epic proportions!
a once in a lifetime opportunity!
ladies and gentlemen!
today's the day,
never again!
never before!
ladies and gentlemen!
get your cameras up!
get your children up!
because you won't see this anywhere else in the
world today!
ladies and gentlemen,
I give you,
without further ado,
the much heralded!
the much anticipated!
the much awaited!
the much sought after!
the much talked about!
the much ballyhooed!
the pinnacle of sight and sound that's unparalleled
and unprecedented by anything else in the world
today!
ladies and gentlemen!
I give you,
the pinnacle of your Disneyland experience!
the crescendo of your Disneyland day!
ladies and gentlemen,
a sight that's unrivalled by anything else in
the world today!
ladies and gentlemen,
you've searched the ends of the earth!
the corners of the globe!
the edges of the universe!
ladies and gentlemen,
the sole reason you came to Disneyland!
it's amazing!
incredible!
astounding!
fascinating!
ladies and gentlemen,
the highlight of the cruise!
ladies and gentlemen,
the sight that you'll be telling your
grandchildren about for generations!
ladies and gentlemen,
the backside of water!
[afterwards]
That was some sight.
It almost leaves me speechless.
[Jacob]
Ladies and gentlemen, Walt
Disney proudly presents, Fantasmic! [The
guide sings part of the song while shining his
flashlight on the back of the water and at the
ends says in a squeaky voice:] Some
imagination, huh hehee!
Folks we have reached my
favorite part of the ride. That's because
Disneyland has to spend $75,000 to put this on.
[Skipper flashes lights on boat and starts
humming to the tune of Fantasmic!]
[At the falls] Ok, now
we need to go back the way we came! No, go to
the left! See, those two toucans are shaking
their heads telling us that we're going the
wrong way.
[Maynard]
On that old stump there are
spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful
birds in the jungle.
Toucan do much better than one
can.
Over on the right you can see
a branch with two toucans. And, of course, three
toucans make a six-pack.
Uh-oh, up ahead--the
treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp
and dangerous rocks through here...notice the
huge waves crashing against our hull. [Makes
crashing wave sounds in mike]
Ho hum...here we are at the
famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We'll probably
have to shoot them. [Leans over and shoots
rapids with thumb and index finger.]
[Steering wheel back and
forth] Notice the skill and finesse your
skipper uses to guide the boat through safely.
Those of you who wish to take pictures, feel
free. [Skipper then turns around towards the
guests and poses] Oops! I'd better get back
to steering the boat. [quickly turns around]
If we start sinking, we'll
have to lighten our load. [Turns to guest]
You folks over there want to get your belongings
together? You may be leaving us shortly.
Hang on...we're coming across
some white water here. One of those jagged rocks
could easily rip the bottom right out of our
boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the
bright red seat cushions. [color not on boat]
They're the only ones that float.
We're now entering the
incredibly dangerous white water rapids of
Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like
those safety bars of the person next to you
because we're going to be bouncing up and down a
lot! [jumps up and down, side to side]
Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?
On the right here are some
fascinating rock formations. Really interesting.
It's sad though. I come through here all the
time, point these out to people, but they just
take them for granite.
See that rock right there,
it's actually made of limestone, but many of my
crews just take it for granite.
Now we're in the dangerous
rapids of Kilomanjaro. And in the the water,
there's dangerous pointy things which can sink
the boat. that would be bad, because there on
the right hand side, is bubbling, deadly
man-eating piranha. Even worse, on the other
side of the boat, deadly woman-eating piranha.
[Maynard]
Hey look there, what kind of
snake is that? [People answer with the names
of kinds of snake] No, it a plastic snake.
Python's are one of the less
intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were
smart do you think that he would be hugging that
dead tree stump when food is all around him.
Uh-oh...Look ahead there! A
huge python. It looks like he tried to put the
squeeze on that baby water buffalo...Actually,
he's very affectionate, and if we get much
closer, he could get a crush on you!
And on the left, a huge
python, one of the jungle's most fascinating and
studied creatures. After all, look at all the
animals that totally get wrapped up in the
subject!
Over here we have a rare
species of vegetarian python. You can tell since
he has a stranglehold on that tree.
[To the cadence of the kids
poem "Monty and Elmyra, sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G"]
Lookie at the Python, sitting in the tree,
H-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Hey folks, what sound does a
snake make? [people respond by hissing]
Oh common, the jokes aren't that bad.
Hey folks, you know that most
snakes hiss. Well, here on the world famous
jungle cruise we have the only snake that
grunts. Listen... [Water Buffalo makes
grunting sounds]...see?
And here we have Sam the
trader. Sam is the head salesman in these parts.
This will probably make you wonder "Why
can't he get a decent dental plan?" Well,
business has been shrinking lately. So, he has a
special two for one offer. Two of his heads, for
one of yours. Do we have any volunteers? You Madame
[points to a woman in the boat], your
hand was up. Are you ready to jump? We'll count
to three. One...two...three. You didn't jump.
Did you change your mind? [guest nods]
Women always do.
[Maynard]
There's old Trader Sam, head
salesman of the area. Business has been
shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's
offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for
one of yours!
There's old Trader Sam...Three
explorers came through here last week and Sam
invited them for dinner. When he told them what
the menu was, they completely lost their heads.
Trader Sam was thrown out of
college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of
his professors, now he's a psychologist. You can
tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones
on the left and the ones on the right are his
basket cases.
Sam had me over for dinner the
other night. I enjoyed it and said to him
"Your wife sure does make a good
chili" He said "Yeah, but I'm sure
going to miss her."
Sam had me over for dinner the
other night; unfortunately I arrived late and
all he gave me was the cold shoulder.
This is my good friend Sam,
who runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I
talked to Sam was at his cafe. I told that I
didn't like his brother very much. He told me
'Next time, have the salad.
And now, probably the most
dangerous part of our journey--the return to
civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed
our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still
with you, you've missed a golden opportunity.
However, bring them back later tonight for our
"in-law" special...halfway for half
fare, no questions asked.
And now, the most dangerous
part of our journey--the return to civilization
and those California freeways. Talk about a
jungle!
And now the most dangerous
part of our journey, the return to civilization.
On the dock we have two disguised monkeys who
have shaved their fur off and put on clothes to
help assist you out of the boat. And for our
volunteer, I present this special leaf [hands
a leaf to the kid].
[Maynard]
Now we are entering the most
dangerous part of our journey - the trip home on
the Santa Ana Freeway. Dangerous for you, that
is, I'm here 'til midnight.
Make sure you have all
personal belongings with you...cameras, purses,
small children...anything left on board will be
thrown screaming to the crocodiles.
Thank You for riding and have
a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say [In
a feminine voice] "Thank You for riding
and have a good day." And as Charley
Brown's teacher would say [In the teachers
weird voice] "Wa, wa-wa, wa wa
wa,..." And now as Millie Vinille would say
[mouths the words] "Thank You for
riding and have a good day."
Please keep your hands inside
the boat, I sure don't want my new dock ruined.
Now comes the most perilous
part of the trip, our return to civilization and
my attempt to ram the dock.
There are two docks at the end
of the ride. Don't get confused. It is a
paradox. [pair of docks] And those two
guys are a pair o dorks.
It's very important that you
wait to get off the boat until one of our dock
crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we
had a lady fall in and none of them were around
to laugh at her.
I certainly enjoyed having you
aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you
all enjoyed being had/taken.
If you had a good time on this
ride, my name is name and this is the
Jungle Cruise. If you didn't have a good time,
my name is some other name and this is Storybookland/the
Submarine Voyage/the Keel Boats.
If you had a good time on the
Jungle Cruise, well then my name is name.
If you didn't, then my name is John. [cast
member, John appears on the unload dock] Oh,
hi John. How's it going?
Enjoy your day at the 2nd most
happiest place on earth.
What's the happiest?
The employee parking lot 15 minutes after close.
Well, it's the end of the ride
and now we return you to this magical, mystical
place I like to call...in sick as much as
possible.
I hope you enjoy the rest of
your day at the largest human trap ever built by
a mouse.
[When the fireworks were
about to start] Be sure to watch two big
burly guys throw Tinkerbell from the top of the
Matterhorn.
Ladies and gentleman, you were
outstanding on the boat today, but now I need
you out standing on the dock now.
Now, as you're leaving the
boat, if you find your shoes rapidly filling
with water, you've gotten out on the wrong side!
As you exit the boat, please
watch your step and mind your head. If you miss
your step and hit your head, watch your
language, Disneyland is a family place.
Helping you out will be the
Lee brothers, Ug-lee and Home-lee.
Oh look, here's Tweedle-dum
and Tweedle-dumber.
Ok everyone rise like bread.
Don't loaf around. I know this job isn't much,
but it's the yeast I can do for the dough I
make. I guess I'm really on a roll here.
Don't step on anyone's feet,
you'll feel like a heel, and we'll have to call
a toe truck. Then you'd have to foot the bill.
Please make sure you have all
your children with you. We take children left
behind over to It's a Small World, nail/bolt/superglue
their feet to the floor and force them to sing
that song over and over and over and...
Folks, as we near the dock,
all the people waiting to help you out give you
an idea of how many people actually work at
Disneyland... about one out of three.
Please exit the boat the same
way you entered...pushing and shoving.
Two of the world's largest
pygmies will assist you from the boat. Please
take your kids by the hand and watch your step.
OK, everybody stand up please.
Those of you on the dock side will be helped out
by the front, those of you on the water side
should turn around and you'll be helped out by
the rear...of the boat that is.
When I count to three,
everybody stand...the last one standing is a
baby hippo. Ready? One...two...four! Look at all
the baby hippos!
Do stand up...off your seats,
on your feets.
All right...if you don't
stand, you'll have to go again! I knew that
would get you up.
Look down and watch your step
as you exit. If you feel faint, don't hesitate
to throw your arms around the necks of the
unloaders... that's ladies only, please!
Don't fall in the water as you
leave...we'll have to charge you extra.
Well folks, I hope you all
enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such
a good time--I'm going to go again! [low
voice]...and again, and again, and again...
Bye now! Come back and see me
again when you have the courage...and enjoy the
rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom.
Aren't you going to say
good-bye, after all we've been through together?
Please be sure to tell your
friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle
Cruise...it helps keeps the lines down.
Please don't go out the
window--you'll get a window pane.
Watch your step, and please
don't step on small children indiscriminately.
Pick the one you want and make sure you get
him!"
Of all the groups I've taken
on this ride, you're the most...recent.
We hope you enjoy the rest of
your day here in this magic and enchanting land
that we call...work.
If you would like to see me on
the David Letterman Show next month... please
write him a letter and tell him you would like
to see me there!
And, as you leave the parking
lot tonight, be sure to enjoy Disney's newest
parade -- "Tail-light Magic". The best
part of this parade? You supply the music!
[Katie]
And, after searching for your
car in our beautiful 100 acre parking lot, be
sure to watch the "Tail-light electrical
parade" (or "The West Street
Electrical Parade") With thousands of
sparkling lights twinkling into the distance.
And the best part of the parade? You get to be a
part of it!
Before I came to the Jungle, I
worked in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned. I couldn't concentrate. My boss almost
beat the pulp out of me. They really put the
squeeze to me, too.
I used to work in a watch
factory. I sat around making faces all day.
Here, take some advice. NEVER
play leapfrog with an Unicorn!
[Rebecca]
All of these must be done in
sequence
Simba
- [Lion's Den at night]
[Skipper points the light at the baby
lion] Awww, look...it's SIMBA!!!!
- [Native Village]
[Skipper points light at the dead lion
hanging upside-down over the fire pit]
Look, it's Simba again!!!!
Girlfriend
- [at the tiger]
You know, a tiger can weigh over 500 pounds
and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!
- [at the water buffalo]
And you know, a water buffalo can weigh over
500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't
that amazing!
- [at the zebras]
Hey, guess what, did you know that a zebra
can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20
feet? Isn't that amazing!!
- [at the snake]
And by the way, a snake can weigh up to 500
pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that
AMAZING!!
- [boat pulls up to the
dock]
Leonard's going to help you folks out of the
boat, now. By the way, Leonard, I hear you
have a new girlfriend, and she weighs over
500 pounds and can leap up to 20 feet! ISN'T
THAT AMAZING!!!
[Unload Skipper]:
"Yeah. So?"
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